Nothing There Anymore
by Masamune Reforged
Summary: To have a loved one return home, only to find the relationship has strained to the point of breaking. Quatre denies that he and Heero are on the brink of causing each other great pain, but doesn't want to let go. yaoi, angst, mild language, some violence
1. Default Chapter Title

Nothing There Anymore- by Masamune

Disclaimer: …………….I really hate writing this damned thing. I don't own Gundam Wing, nor any of the characters therein. Sue me and I'll come after you with a mythril mallet of doom…understand?!?

Warnings: YAOI, I love it but you might not. Don't read if you can't stand the thought of a male/male relationship. 14, some other pairings later. Angst, Heero being a bastard.

Note- I haven't paid much attention to this fic, and almost for four years have left it unfinished. Now, with a new year, and some better (I hope) writing ability, I aim to finish this story and many of my other GW fics. I've gone back and redone this entire fic, so I am also resubmitting it to every website and ML that it's been on before. Apologies to those who have read it before, since it won't be vastly different. As usual, feedback and the usual can be sent to as well as any criticisms/suggestions. Thank you very much- masamune1/05

Part 1

The sound fizzled, the annoying buzz of static crackling in the damp jungle air. Quatre sat and stared intently at the video screen. All his attention was focused on the small monitor that was nothing more than a blur of black and white dots and speckles. The Sandrock pilot waited, holding his breath for the message to come. He could not even wipe away the sweat drenching his face, enough to turn his blonde bangs to a wooden brown hue.

/Everyone's safe…right? Heero…Heero has to be safe…/

"Hmph, just like a damn onna," Wufei sneered, turning around and casually leaving the room where the mounting tension had created some perspiration on the normally stoic youth's brow.

The only calm came from Trowa, standing with his back against the far wall. The lanky boy was seemingly indifferent to everything that was going on, as usual.

"Szszzzsz…missio…sxszsszz…mpleted," Heero's voice finally escaped the static filled channel and sent waves of relief through Quatre. The blonde silently thanked the Gods and then grabbed the microphone. There was still no video feed, and Quatre yearned to see his lover again.

"This is Quatre, over. Is everything all right? Repeat, this is Quatre. Can you hear me Heero?" Quatre's voice was giddy and filled with relief from learning that Heero was alive.

"Quiet!" Heero's voice snapped over the communication channel. "…Szssz…not a safe line…szsszs…understand 04?...szsxzx could be tapped…szsxzs…OZ. We're returning to base, end commun-xczszs…."

The line fizzled and crackled again as Quatre was left holding the microphone. The young blond pilot had been rocked by Heero's angry words, coming on the first occasion in months that they had been able to speak to one another.

/Why does it seem that he's always shouting at me lately?/

Heero and Duo had been away on missions for more than two months, with only minimal contact with the others. Quatre often found himself wishing he'd been assigned a lower number so he'd be on more missions with Heero.

/Couldn't he at least let me tell him that I'm glad he's Ok?/

Finally, Trowa walked over and knelt down next to Quatre. The soft emerald eyes only glanced at him momentarily as the mercenary turned clown switched off the monitor and shut down the communications setup. Without a word the Heavyarms pilot stood and strode from the room, casting a concerned glance over his shoulder

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The three off-duty pilots had finished dinner, eaten in almost complete silence. Trowa and Wufei weren't the most sociable of friends to have over for dinner. The meal had passed without anyone saying a word, not even an attempt from Quatre to break the dead silence. Normally he encouraged his fellow pilots to talk and share with each other, except for Duo who never needed to be encouraged to speak. No, Quatre's mind was elsewhere today.

It was Trowa's turn to wash the dishes. Quatre, however, had insisted on helping since it had also turned out to be Trowa's turn to cook. The two spoke only sparingly as they worked over the greasy pots and pans, mostly about the fact that they were running out of soap and would need to run to the nearby town to pick up some supplies.

The silent, brooding mood was broken as the sound of the front door opened and Duo's loud voice rang out through the house, "Honey I'm home!"

Trowa kept his mind focused on finishing the dishes. Still, he couldn't help but notice Quatre start to put down the pan he was working on, then pick it up, and finally start for the door with it still in his hand.

"Go ahead," Trowa said quietly, seeing Quatre's fidgeting towards the entrance foyer. "I'll finish up here. It wasn't even your turn to do them today."

Something indiscernible flashed through Quatre's eyes for just a moment before he put his pan back into the sudsy water. Whatever it was, it made Trowa flash a rare smile. The blonde took off at a brisk walk towards the front door. Trowa grinned slightly to himself and thought.

/He makes it so obvious sometimes. And as much as Heero tries to downplay it, it always shows. It's nice that they have each other…/ The Heavyarms pilot mused. /But I sometimes wonder if they're right for each other. I wonder if they ever think about other…/

Trowa was somewhat surprised at his own ideas. It wasn't his business to pry and investigate his comrades' private affairs. Tonight his business was dirty dishes. However, Trowa couldn't stop a frown from forming on his face, as he saw that only one pan remained to be washed. He would have far too much time tonight to let his mind wander.

"Heero!" Quatre's voice rang out, clear and as jubilant as a bell on a wedding day. The gentle blonde walked over to where Heero stood and briefly looked him over.

/God, he looks so rugged after missions/ Quatre swooned. Heero's muscular body never failed to amaze the Arab boy.

He was so solidly built and attractive that Quatre would gasp every time Heero came to bed. Every line and muscle in his body had been memorized in adoration by the Sandrock pilot.

Heero turned to face Quatre and a smile inched its way across his face. The tired Wing pilot wore his ordinary green tanktop and spandex pants. A small sheen of sweat glistened on Heero's forehead. The two pilots looked at each other for a moment before finally completing the few steps separating them. They passionately embraced each other. Quatre stared into Heero's deep cobalt eyes.

/His eyes are so beautiful. They fit him so well, tough, yet beautiful. …But… why does he seem so distant today?/ Quatre asked himself. For Heero appeared to have an almost preoccupied aura in his gaze and seemed almost emotionless to returning home.

With a sigh Quatre ran his arms up the arch of Heero's back. He sank his head into Heero's strong chest and whispered, "I missed you."

Then, Quatre became faintly aware of something wet against his hand. Pulling away he released Heero and brought his hand to his face. It was smudged in blood.

Quatre sucked in his breath, concern swelling up inside as he peeked, and he was almost too afraid to dare that one little peek, at the back of Heero's tanktop. Indeed some of the green fabric had been torn away and underneath there was an open, but not life threatening wound.

"You're hurt," Quatre whispered, concerned about his lover. "Do you want me to wash it out or…"

"No," Heero's voice was dismissive, almost irritated. "It's not bad. Don't mess with it."

"But you're bleeding! It wouldn't bother me too much," Quatre responded, his concern slowly being waxed over by feelings of frustration and sadness.

"I said it's not bad. I'll be fine," Heero's tone turned cold and hard. The marvelous cobalt eyes were equally devoid of feeling, even as Quatre searched them for some tiny shred of emotion. They flickered only momentarily before he turned, looking towards the wall rather than at Quatre.

/What does he want me to do? Why won't he ever let me help him? I feel like I'm just an annoyance sometimes. It's like he'd be better if I just weren't around/

"Are you sure?" Quatre asked rather timidly. His small voice barely reaching Heero.

"Shimatta Quatre I said it's not bad!" Heero snapped, all too loudly. The Wing pilot's cobalt eyes burned with a flame that made Quatre take a step back. Heero looked angrier than ever. Finally, the Wing pilot brushed by his blonde lover and nearly crashed into Wufei on his way upstairs.

"What's wrong with him now?" Wufei asked Duo, pointing at Quatre.

The youth was standing in a state of awe in the center of the room. Quatre's adorable, ever cheerful face had fallen. He stared intently at the floor. It was all he could do to simply hold back his tears.

/I haven't seen him in two months and the first thing we do is fight. What did I do wrong? What's on his mind? He hasn't been himself, even before this mission. Am I doing something wrong? It's probably all my fault/

"Sometimes I think that guy's got an entire chunk of gundanium permanently inserted in his ass," Wufei spat, vehemently. He motioned in the direction of the stairs just as a door slammed shut. "I understand being professional…but Yuy really is a dick."

"Don't talk about Heero that way!" Quatre cried. The Arabian pilot turned and faced Wufei, his face ashen and depressed. "He's just under a lot of stress. You've got no right to say those things about him!"

Wufei listened intently. His nostrils flaring slightly at the passion in the smaller boy's yell. The proud Chinese pilot fixed his gaze intently on Quatre. His jet black eyes gleamed with a dark sheen and showed no pity whatsoever for his friend. Finally Wufei snorted and stalked causally out of the room.

/You say those things because you don't know him/ Quatre thought as he watched the stoic Chinese boy exit. /You don't know how nice he can be…used to be… Kuso! It hurts so much sometimes, our love. But no matter what happens I'll still try to work it out/

Duo walked up to the shaken Sandrock pilot and threw an arm over his friend's shoulder.

"We ran into a lot more problems than we expected during the mission," Duo tried to comfort Quatre's sorrow by making an excuse. "And don't worry about Wufei. He's so damn anal that if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass you'd have a diamond in a week."

The much-needed joke drew a nervous laugh from Quatre. The sudden movement and switch of emotions allowed a few tears to stream down Quatre's cheek. Quickly the Sandrock pilot wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeve and tried to regain control of himself. Duo patted him on the back, feeling sorry and slightly ashamed for having watched.

"It's probably all my fault," Quatre finally spoke. Duo's smile broke upon hearing the sadness and guilt that made Quatre's voice thick. "It's something I've done…or forgotten to do. I'll go talk to him though. I'll fix it."

The platinum blonde rambled on, willing to say anything to get out of the room. Duo answered, his tone unusually serious. But Quatre didn't hear it…he didn't want to hear more. He was suddenly filled with an intense longing for Heero. All the waiting and distance between them that he had experienced for the past two months rushed through his veins at full power. Somehow, even though the distance and waiting were now a thing of the past, the heartache was more unbearable than before. Silently, Quatre wished he could be upstairs, in Heero's strong, loving embrace.

/It's me. I'm the idiot. It's my stupidity that started this. I'm to blame, not Heero. It's not him at all. I need to talk to Heero. I need to fix this/

-end part


	2. Default Chapter Title

Nothing There Anymore- masamune- 

Part 2

Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing I'd be rich as hell. Do you see me wading in a pool of cash? NO! Ergo, vis-à-vis, concurrently, by the power invested in me, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. But we all can dream. More angst and 14 here, don't think there'll be any limy action but we never know what the voices might tell us to write down, isn't that right precious? Seriously

Recap: Heero comes back from a mission but immediately gets into an argument with Quatre at the door. After cruelly hurting Quatre's feelings, Heero stalks off.

Part 2

Heero Yuy slammed the door to his bedroom, trying to push all of his pent up vexation into the wood. He was slightly disappointed that neither the door nor frame broke from the force. The Wing pilot took a step into his room and stopped. His eyes took in everything in the small, barren room and his senses alerted him to the fact that he was not alone. His frustration began to slide into contempt for the intruder.

"What are you doing in my room?" He sneered at Trowa, standing against the far wall.

The Heavyarms pilot had his slender arms folded across his chest and might have disappeared into the faded walls because he was so still. His eyes met with Heero's and, the Prussian orbs answering back with cold anger.

"At first I just came in here to borrow your Dostoevesky," Trowa answered. The mercenary-turned-clown's voice was an expressionless tone. But his green eyes narrowed at the anger in Heero's question. The novel was already in Trowa's hand.

"I don't like people touching my stuff," Heero replied darkly. "If you want to borrow something of mine than you'd better ask next time." Heero did not mention that he had stolen the book from a man on a train, burying himself in its pages only to hide his face from OZ military personnel.

The two stood as if sizing each other up. Both were calm and composed but noticed the other's instinctive twitch towards their respective pistols, as a door slammed shut elsewhere in the safe house. The atmosphere was thick with the warning of strife and bad feeling. It was obvious that Trowa had come for more than just a book.

"You got what you wanted, so suggest you leave," Heero said, a tint of irritation beginning to nudge into his voice. "Or did you want something else?" And the tone in the Wing pilot's question implied that Trowa was better off not wanting anything.

"Quatre," Trowa replied simply.

It was one of those characteristic things about Trowa. In one word he could open a new subject, ask a question and almost interrogate a person, with just one word. Heero pondered whether to snap back 'What about him?' but realized that was about as mature as a small child. So he answered as honestly and obliquely as possible:

"It's none of your business."

The reply suggested…demanded the end of the conversation. As soft-spoken and aloof as he was, something in Trowa wouldn't allow that. The lanky pilot pushed off from the wall and walked over. He stopped only a foot from the spot where Heero stood.

"He is one of us," Trowa's voice was barely above a whisper. "His capabilities during missions will be lessened if you weaken his mental state now. What goes on here will affect him on the battlefield and consequently affect all of us."

"But I'm not just here on a professional level," Trowa continued before Heero could interject. "I've had few people in my life that I could call friends. I'm not really sure I understand what it even means. And I certainly can't boast about my outlook on intimate relationships."

"Still, I can't stay quiet while you hurt Quatre. You two are falling to pieces as a couple. I've read the writing on the wall and watched for a while as he's scrambled to fix things between you two. But now, I'm tired of you hurting him. He deserves better than that, Heero."

"I've always been against relationships with partners and co-workers but since it's come along this far I won't stop yours. It's actually almost ironic that here I am trying to help it."

Trowa stopped and let the silence sink in.

/I know I'm pissing him off. Heero isn't one to let others tell him what to do. He hates getting advice or lectured; but that's too bad for him. It's already past a point where their emotions interfere with missions. It may not be my place to mediate between the two… but it's my life, and the cause we're desperately fighting for, that's at risk if Quatre's not 100 /

It was apparent that Heero did not intend to honor his compatriot's eloquent words with any kind of response; so Trowa decided to let the conversation end. For once he had done all the talking. The Heavyarms pilot examined Heero's eyes to gauge his reaction. All he could find was indignation and fury. Finally, Trowa grazed past the Wing pilot and opened the door.

"Empty love is hurtful love," he offered as parting words. And then Trowa silently shut the door, leaving Heero alone.

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Quatre was walking down the hallway, eyes downcast on the cracked wooden floor. His cheery expression was faded away, swallowed up by the sad thoughts he was currently brooding in.

/I love him. I've never wanted to hurt him, or make him angry. Ever since I first met him I was so overtaken by him. His confidence, his strength, and above all his heart. I love him. He's received so little his whole life… but still he brings happiness to mine… Or at least it was that way/

The Sandrock pilot stopped suddenly as Trowa surprisingly appeared in Heero's doorway and mumbled something. Quatre watched in curiosity as the lanky pilot gently shut the door and with only a glance towards the blonde youth, stalked off down the hallway.

/I don't know what that's about/ Quatre frowned. /But it's probably none of my business/

Suddenly, Heero's voice echoed in his head, "_Kuso! It's none of your business Quatre_." Heero had said that many times, always jilting the smaller pilot with the angry undertone in his voice. It had never stopped bothering Quatre. Heero could be so violent and temperamental one moment, yelling and sneering. Then the next he would be entirely different, caring and loving, gently holding the Sandrock pilot and whispering words of affection in his ear.

/But he does love me!/ A voice inside Quatre said as he paused momentarily at the door to Heero's room. /Even if he does get upset at me; it's usually my fault. I irritate him so much. Sometimes it seems like we're just not the right fit for each other. It's like we fight and make up just to do it all over again/

Quatre gripped the doorknob tightly as he gently turned the silver knob. Holding his breath, he opened the door and peered into the room. The room was dimly lit and seemed to be washed in a dust of apprehension and dishevelment. Finally Quatre's crystal azure eyes fell on the figure sitting at a desk towards the back of the room. The glow of the laptop cast a strange light on his lover's face. Quatre let out a small breath as his eyes locked with the Prussian blue across the room.

Almost immediately the blonde youth forgot his frustration, his pain. The expression on Heero's face and the flush of emotions in his eyes made it disappear. Never taking his gaze away from the Japanese boy Quatre quietly shut the door.

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"If you think your advice can save their relationship and change around that bastard Yuy," Wufei said darkly, "Then you may need to seek a therapist."

Trowa barely looked up from his glass of rum as Wufei finished his rant with a curse.

/I'm tired. I'm not in a very good mood/ Trowa wanted to say aloud. /Hammering sense into that baka Heero is hard work. And the last thing I need to hear is one of Wufei's rants about justice/

"If they need me to intervene so their relationship can work then it'll fall apart soon enough," Trowa simply replied, hoping this would perhaps quiet the Chinese noble. Still, he was slightly dismayed at his dark words and how easily they had fallen out of his mouth.

"You guys are supposed to be supporting them, remember?" a mellow voice rang out as Duo casually entered the room.

/No hope for silence now/ Trowa grimly thought as he finished off his drink in one quick gulp.

"I've roomed with Heero before and can tell you that he's from another dimension sometimes," Duo said as he plopped down into a chair. "The guy just doesn't know how things are supposed to work in a non-hostile situation, let alone with another person's feelings and a relationship and all."

Ironic as it seemed, Shinigami had actually cast a spell of silence over the room. Wufei cursed under his breath in Chinese and Trowa wearily eyed the bottom of his glass.

/It's not just that/ Trowa thought darkly. /It's not just Heero. It's both of them. Quatre tries hard and struggles to make everything work, but only winds up pushing Heero away. It's always as if they're fighting to stay afloat and only manage to pull the other down at the same time/

"I just feel bad for Quatre" Duo sighed and leaned back in his chair, tipping it slightly. "The poor guy's got enough on his mind as it is. And Heero, damn him, can be so cold. I mean icy freezer burn. He nearly made him cry earlier today. First thing that he does when he gets into the safehouse."

"He's too weak for Heero," Wufei said sharply and all eyes turned on him. "Quatre may be smart and an excellent strategist, but he simply lacks the strength we have. He's like any other normal boy. I've often wondered how Heero can possibly put up with him."

"What the hell are you saying?" Duo angrily snapped at the Shenlong pilot. "You saying it's Quatre's fault for caring? You saying Quatre's to blame because he's too kind and innocent? I really can't grasp what he sees in Heero anyway. He's as cold as a witche's titty. You could get more love out of a bowl o' mush."

"Not that it's any of ours to pass judgment on in the first place, but you're both slightly wrong," Trowa's voice was calm and serene. The two fellow pilots turned to look at the slightly intoxicated circus performer. "Heero is Heero. Quatre is Quatre. Lots of the things you both said are true. Just remember that he's still the one that Quatre fell in love with, and Heero accepted Quatre. For better or worse, they have these feelings for each other and a relationship they both want to protect."

A hush fell on the trio as Trowa went to refill his glass. The room was quiet except for the sloshing sound of alcohol as Trowa filled his glass to the top.

/I've got a mission in three days. Might as well get stinking drunk in the mean time/ he reasoned.

The Heavyarms pilot took a quick gulp of the rum and then continued, "Neither Heero nor Quatre have changed that much have they? I mean, when they're around us they act just as they always have. It's when they're together that the problems start. It's called empty love, a relationship based just on commitment, their past history and nothing else. Nobody wants that."

"Your rationale is rather good for a man who is well above legally intoxicated," Came Wufei's snide remark. "Maybe you have a point about this 'empty love' idea. Regardless, they'll snuggle and make up. But before you know it Yuy will be slamming doors again and Quatre will be sniffling like an onna."

"Ch', I've heard enough from you already, Wufei," Duo said, as he got up from his chair and started to leave the room.

Wufei swore again in Chinese as Duo disappeared upstairs. The Chinese noble turned to look at his one remaining companion. Trowa was slouched over the table with his head resting on his arms. With a small clank the Heavyarms pilot placed his glass on the surface next to him. Wufei's jaw dropped.

"You drank it all?" Wufei asked in disbelief as he eyed the very empty glass next to Trowa.

"You do have a point though," Trowa's voice floated up from the table. "They'll make up but the same thing will happen again."

"Even when you're drunk you've got more reason than that baka Maxwell," Wufei answered calmly, happy that someone had finally agreed with him. "I really don't know what Heero or Quatre could do to save themselves from hurting each other…."

Trowa lazily picked his head up and replied, "They could end it."

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Heero held Quatre to him gently as the smaller boy cried into his chest. They'd made up of course. Heero had grudgingly apologized for his insensitive actions and Quatre had readily offered himself as the point of blame. If there had been a tape recorder it would have picked up a dialogue very similar to one that had occurred some weeks ago.

"Quatre koi," Heero's voice was soft and soothing, his hot breath whispering into Quatre's ear. "I'm really so sorry for hurting you. I should never have acted that way with you. Let's not fight again koi. Onegai, I can't stand to see you hurt. Let's not fight again…"

But even as Heero's words faded away and he softly kissed Quatre's cheek the Arab boy couldn't help but somewhat doubt them.

/He says he loves me. He says he's sorry/ Quatre thought as he cried himself tearless in Heero's arms. There were many things that caused the poor blonde to shed tears. /I feel like I'm the problem. I always feel like it's his fault, but I'm the one that creates the problem. We've gone through this so many times. It hurts him too… God! I don't want to ever hurt him/

/We never seem to stop fighting. It was all so magical and happy at first. Not a second went by that I didn't thank all the forces of the universe for him. Now all I ever do is cause trouble for him. For the first time ever I feel like maybe we can't work things out. Maybe we can't succeed in living together happily. For the first time I can't help but think that maybe our relationship is going to end/

-end part 2


	3. Chapter 3

Nothing There Anymore- by masamune

Part 3

Trowa shut the car door casually. Throwing his duffel bag over his shoulder, he walked down the small dirt path towards the safehouse. The large wooden structure loomed tall above the ridge it overlooked. It seemed to cast a silhouette onto the even darker night sky. Even though he had no logical reason, Trowa felt a premonition. The Heavyarms pilot stopped momentarily before unlocking the front door and then entering, making next to as little noise as he possibly could. The house was as dark on the inside as it was on the exterior. Trowa shut the door and knelt to set his duffel bag down. Standing he noticed rapid movement towards him in the darkness. He tried to react but had no time.

"OOF!" Trowa grunted as somebody jumped on him and pinned his body to the floor.

"You're home!" Duo's voice rang out clearly in the dusky hallway.

Trowa looked up to see the outline of his braided friend. The happy-go-lucky Deathscythe pilot was using his legs to trap Trowa's torso to the ground. Duo's thick, chestnut braid fell heavily onto Trowa's neck and tickled him.

Duo's face lingered just inches above Trowa's own and the startled Heavyarms pilot found himself staring into Duo's deep purple eyes.

/Christ he's beautiful/ The thought sprang up, unbidden, in Trowa's mind.

He shook his head and quickly threw Duo off of him. He stood up and brushed off his shirt. Duo also hopped to his feet. Trowa shot the Shinigami a dark look that seemed to ask, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I'm just glad you're home. I…I thought you'd be happy to see me," Duo pouted as he looked at Trowa with round, puppy dog eyes.

"I…didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Trowa said finally, not sure exactly what to say. He could never tell when Duo was kidding or being serious.

Duo burst out in laughter and slapped Trowa on the back.

"You know I'm just playing with you ne?" Duo chuckled, eyes dancing with a light that only merriment could bring. "But seriously it's good to have you back. Ok. When you called and said you'd be delayed, I thought you might have gored yourself or some damn stupid thing."

This drew a nervous smile from Trowa. The former mercenary wasn't sure whether the fact that Duo had been worried about him was better than the fact that he hadn't noticed Trowa's growing erection. He was about to speak but was cut off by a cold voice coming from nearby.

"I trust the mission went well?" It was a voice that hissed like ice. A light went on in the next room and the outline of Heero's form could clearly be seen, a stark contrast to the glistening light behind him. "That's why you stayed longer, of course?"

Trowa nodded but shuddered inwardly at the dark feeling inside of him. Something in the way Duo's expression changed on seeing Heero set off an alarm in his head. The silence stood staunch and vast as the three remained in the dimly lit hall. Then Trowa asked what had to be asked.

"Where's Quatre?" Trowa's voice was calm but questioning. A sense of anger seemed to fill the question even though he asked it of both pilots.

"Why should you care? Upset that he wasn't the one giving you a hug?" The venom in Heero's voice stung deep. Trowa glared at the Wing pilot and it seemed that the two would attack each other at any given moment. Trowa didn't want to fight, but Heero was getting him riled up. Duo shifted uncomfortably and turned towards the Japanese soldier.

"Kisama Heero don't forget why Quatre is gone in the first place!" And even Trowa had to marvel at Duo's harsh tone. "Damn you and your stone cold heart. More a monster than a man. I'll never understand what Quatre ever saw in…"

"Where did Quatre go?" Trowa interrupted, firing the question at Heero. The stoic soldier said nothing and the Heavyarms pilot repeated the question, "Shimatta! Where is Quatre? What the hell did you do?!" A rare flare in Trowa's tone was still not enough to shake Heero's silent treatment.

"He left," Duo was the one to reply. "He left the safehouse a few hours ago. Took the Jeep. Wufei's out looking for him in the old Audi." Sadness and concern made his voice thick. Duo's normal angelic smile was nowhere to be seen

/That's why the driveway was empty/ Trowa thought to himself as a side note. /What happened while I was gone? …It probably was something Heero did… But right now I have to make sure that Quatre hasn't done anything drastic/

"He…he went into the city…I think," Duo said hesitantly, "Wufei saw him go and went after him."

"Baka will probably get himself killed or captured by OZ," Heero said, voice without remorse. "And it'll probably be one of his stupid mistakes that gets him in trouble."

Duo began to spit a terrible oath at the Wing pilot but was again cut off be Trowa's calm voice, "I never thought you were so two-faced Heero. Do you realize what you're saying? Do you realize who you're saying it about?" Trowa's voice was icy and almost threatening. "If you do… and if you feel that way in your heart about the one you love then-"

"I don't love him," Heero's response was flat and equally cold. Nothing in it could be deciphered or misinterpreted as anything other than heartless truth. Trowa's eyes locked with his comrades and for brief instant everything was quiet. "But it seems you do…" Heero almost whispered, loud enough so that all three could hear.

Trowa quickly turned and opened the front door.

"Trowa! Where're you going?" Duo asked, starting to follow Trowa out.

"I'm going to look for Quatre. You stay here," Was the simple reply.

"No way Jose! I'm going with you!" Duo almost pleaded. He took off at a run to catch up to Trowa. The Latin boy spun around suddenly and Duo bumped straight into him. The emerald and amethyst eyes locked once again and suddenly Trowa felt an impending urge to…

/Don't… not now/

"Stay here with Heero," Trowa ordered quietly. "He's not as strong nor as evil as you think. Watch him. Make sure he doesn't do anything to himself." He turned around again and started for the car.

"Nani?" Duo stood a bit stunned. He'd never considered the fact that Heero might try to hurt himself or even take his own life. The Perfect Soldier just didn't seem like the type to let anything get to him. He watched the car pull out of the driveway and speed down the hill, leaving a small drift of dust in the air.

As the headlights disappeared from sight Duo became aware of Heero standing behind him. The Japanese boy had a rather menacing smile on his face.

He spoke softly but the words fell like a bombshell on Duo's heart, "Hn, I see. You're in love with Trowa." Heero shook his head in mock sadness, turning to leave. "But he'll never even give a damn enough to notice. Seems he's always chasing after someone else."

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Hazy. Disoriented, angry, sad, guilt, fear, pain. It all blended into a haze of emotions that was reflected through sky blue eyes. Quatre's mind was a mist of pain and suffering. A torrent of bitter and morose thoughts flashed through him, none clearly deciphered, but still there like demons fluttering their black wings in fury.

To anybody's eye, he would appear to be a young, handsome boy, standing against a wall. Pale skin and a beautifully constructed face sparkling beneath blonde bangs. The noise in the club was loud and crude. The people were vile and many were drunk. Smoke, dankness and disco lights were the atmosphere. But Quatre could care less. He was here for one reason. Driven by desperation he had decided to come to this place, any place other than the safehouse. Anywhere away from Heero.

/I was a naïve baka for ever thinking he would love me/ Was what Quatre thought to himself as he wearily eyed his surroundings. /It really is my fault though. How could he ever love anybody as weak and stupid as I? I never should have started it. I'm worthless to him. I'm worthless to everyone…/

"Hey there cutie how about buying me a drink?"

Caught off guard by the interruption the Sandrock pilot broke his chain of thought. A short but pretty brunette stood in front of him. Her tan complexion glittered in the sparkling lights of the club. She wore a tight fitting, very low cut red blouse that read 'All Yours' in bold white letters directly over her breasts.

"Gomen, I'm…I'm, just not," Quatre stuttered and faltered with his words as the girl folded her arms over her large chest.

The casual, lazy smile disappeared from her face. "Why? What's wrong? You may even get lucky," She traced her hand lustily down the curve of Quatre's cheekbone as she spoke, making the Arabian blush.

He tried to think of something to say but the girl's caresses on his chest didn't do much to clear his head. "Iie, er…it's just that…uh…I sorta, don't like…uh," The words wouldn't come. After all, the entire situation was naturally awkward for a person of Quatre's upbringing…or sexuality for that matter.

"Oh shit! I get it now! Damn!" The caresses immediately stopped and the girl seemed to be annoyed at herself. "Hmph, 'course all the well dressed ones are queer," she muttered as she walked away from Quatre, moving only a few yards before stopping and approaching another young man.

"Implants," An unexpected voice came from beside him suddenly, "I just don't get what guys see in big lumps of fatty tissue…or in hoes like that either."

Turning to see a rather handsome man of about 30, Quatre nearly tripped on his own feet. The man was tall, with bronze skin and reddish hair, obviously dyed. He waved a cigarette casually, and took a puff from it before speaking again.

"If you're interested…maybe you and me can get out of here?" He offered blatantly, extending his arm and casting a smile. Quatre hesitated and the stranger said, "If you're not interested in females than that leaves you one real option."

Quatre barely could make out the man's words. Suddenly the music seemed louder, the lights brighter. The haze seemed to thicken around him. All so dense and heavy that Quatre felt like he was drowning in it. The strange man's cigarette smoke wafted its stench up to his nose. Drowning in haze. Shaking his head, golden locks fell over his eyes, adding its temporary confusion to the fray.

/Do I…want this? … What do I want?/

"I'm parked outside and there's a place I know of nearby. Name's Adremelk by the way."

/I want to forget. I want somebody, something to take the pain away. I want someone to love me…/

"Come on, I promise it'll be fun."

/I want Heero/

The stranger snubbed out his cigarette, leaving a couple bills on the bar. His right hand found Quatre's, and he began dragging the dazed blonde towards an exit.

"Iie, iie, gomen nasai," Quatre said, the haze clearing suddenly, his voice returned.

"Uhh…in English please?" The man asked, waving his hand.

"No, I'm sorry," Quatre tried to speak up over the music but his voice sounded incredibly small. "I'm actually waiting for somebody here. I'm terribly sorry."

"Ah whatever. See you around kid," the man waved his hand as he stalked back into the crowd. Quatre found himself all alone again. Or so he thought.

"For a second I thought you might leave with him," Clear and strong were the words that came from behind him. "Although I would have had to stop him if he kept being so pushy."

Whirling around yet again, Quatre faced Wufei. The Chinese boy looked very out of place in the gaggle of noise and disorder. Scowling, a dark opal gaze bore away into Quatre. A sense of joy and happiness almost made Quatre smile. But an immediate and even more disheartening emotion came. His eyes welled with tears and the Sandrock pilot tried desperately to contain them.

"Are you coming back to the safehouse?" Wufei's words were simple, but the decision wasn't.

/Should I? What's there for me?/ Wistful were Quatre's ideas. /My friends are there. But are they friends or is it because we're stuck together as Gundam pilots? Nobody wants to be around a weak and stupid person like me. I have no friends and I have nobody who loves me. Nothing's there anymore/

"It's entirely your decision," Wufei continued. "But don't forget that you have your mission as a Gundam pilot to fulfill. If you quit, then you let down those relying on you as their only hope. But if your sense of duty isn't enough to come back…then its fine." Wufei didn't add his own judgments, as much as he wanted to.

"What do I have to go back to?" Quatre's voice was strangled with sobs.

He wanted to collapse inside of himself and never be seen again. Barely able to speak over the loud noise in the background, he concentrated more on holding back his tears. Wufei opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

"I don't care about duty. There's so much pain and suffering back at the safehouse. Anywhere I go there will be pain. I don't think there's anything you can tell me that can change my mind…"

The loud ruckus died away for a moment as if to allow the tense silence to fall over the two. Everyone was waiting. Wufei sighed and shifted his feet. A new song began to play over the loudspeakers and its beat echoed loudly. One renegade tear fell.

"I never thought I'd have to say this but…" The Chinese noble began. "Please come back to the safehouse, for Heero's sake."

He ended and his eyes dropped. It was not only embarrassing for himself, but Wufei felt he was hurting Heero's pride too. However, something had to be done.

A drunkard went stumbling by and brushed into Wufei. The last of the Shenlong pilot's patience went with his passing. He scowled at Quatre's indecision. The poor blonde haired boy stood stark still, face downcast and golden bangs falling over tear filled aquamarine eyes. Thoughts tunneled through Quatre's mind like relentless trains. He stood for a minute and then came to a decision.

"Alright. I'll go back with you."

-end part 3

Note: I wasn't too sure how to end this part … 2x3! One of the few pairs I haven't really done yet. Only 2 scenes in this part… weird. Oh well, part 4 will be more like the first 2 parts, as in it'll be shorter. Please send feedback to Thanks!

masamune


	4. Nothing There Anymore 4

Nothing There Anymore- by masamune

Chapter 4

Turning the doorknob so as not to make any noise, Trowa entered the safehouse. Checking his watch he was shocked to find that it was well past four in the morning. Lazily throwing his overcoat into the closet, the Heavyarms pilot leaned forward on the white wooden doorframe. Fatigue, the latest mission, concern and millions of other factors had deprived him of sleep recently and despite all his training and experience it was affecting him.

/All the cars were in the garage/ Trowa thought, pushing away from the door and walking toward the kitchen. /Wufei must have found Quatre. He would never have come back without him. God, I could sure as hell go for a beer now. Shit!/ Trowa barely muttered the harsh oath as he tripped over the carpet and had to catch himself on the banister that lead upstairs. /A little reward to myself for going through all this hell the past couple days. Better make it vodka tonight/

Staggering over to the refrigerator, Trowa threw open the door. White light shot everywhere, casting long, lingering shadows over all of the room. The coveted bottle lay on the second shelf from the bottom. On closer inspection Trowa found it to be nearly empty.

"I got some left if you really want it," The voice came from nearby, but in Trowa's poor state the sound seemed to eminate from everywhere.

Looking up, Trowa made out the sight of Heero sitting at the kitchen table. The Wing pilot was sitting in his usual spot at the long table, almost blending into the gray shadows. The refrigerator light gave Trowa a better look at the Wing pilot. He was holding a glass out towards Trowa. The drunken Japanese soldier seemed almost demonic in the grim light, sitting at a table for five with only two chairs sitting side by side, a wiry smile on his face, bags under his eyes and hair more unruly than normal.

"Come on, sit down," Heero offered, pulling out the only other chair so it was more accessible. "You look like hell; you need a good drink."

"That 2 liter bottle was full when I left," Trowa noted aloud, plopping down wearily in the chair. "You didn't have all of it tonight did you?" He raised a quizzical eyebrow but gave no other sign of emotion other than being very tired.

"Been drinking it over the past few days," Heero shrugged, a stoic reaction as normal. "Duo had quite a bit too, a few nights ago when you called saying you'd be delayed. For a skinny guy he can put a good amount down."

/Looks like the same goes for you old friend/ Trowa observed. /But since when did Duo start drinking? …Forget that, I need to ask you some questions/

Trowa barely blinked and asked back, "What happened between you and Quatre?"

The name fell like a dead grenade. Making only a small plunk but capturing the special attention of all nearby as if it were primed and ready to explode. All was quiet save the hum of the refrigerator, door hanging open, long forgotten but still casting the only light in the entire room. Heero's defenses almost fell for a moment, emotion getting the better of him as he mulled the subject over cautiously. But all he did was shrug casually and grunt back.

"Hn. Doesn't really matter much at all," Heero insisted. "Don't worry about shit like that. Here take a drink…"

/Avoiding my question. That's very unlike him. Why's he been acting so strange recently? What's gotten into him?/

"I really want to know what happened," Trowa's calm voice demanded obedience and Heero wasn't going to be one to put up a fight after guzzling away as much alcohol as he had. Trowa knew better than anyone else how alcohol could open up a person and make them talk about otherwise taboo issues.

Sighing heavily, Heero said in reply, "Fine, then I'll tell you."

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/Sleepless nights seem to be coming more often/ Quatre thought. /Within the last two months I've just had so much trouble sleeping that it's even been affecting my piloting/

Quatre found himself staring out the window while he lay on his bed. The sky night was filled with stars, all glittering and twinkling. But the still jungle forest around the safehouse was dark and forlorn.

/There's no moon tonight, Makes it so much darker/ The thought brushed through Quatre's mind. /There are so many stars and they're all large suns… but the smaller moon is all that sheds light on us in the nighttime/

/Nights when I couldn't sleep… Heero would hold me in his arms and tell me to not think about anything/ Quatre thought wistfully, tears beginning to form in his eyes. /This is the first night that I've had to sleep without him by my side. It felt so right and so safe, sleeping in his arms/

Quatre looked around the lurid room /He's taken all of his things away. Probably moved back to his old room. Of course he wasn't going to share the same room with me after what I did/ Quatre thought bitterly, biting back the tears that seemed to overtake him like a flood. /I guess I'll have to cope with restless nights by myself now…/

Throwing his head back on his pillow, blonde bangs fell over his face. Not even caring enough to brush them away, Quatre shut his eyes and tried to fall asleep.

--

--

--

"On Wednesday, when you were still on your mission, some people came to the safehouse."

/People coming way the hell up here?/ Trowa thought, knowing how much that jeopardized their safety. /Why would anyone come here? Iie, I should listen to Heero's story first. It'll probably be the only time he tells me it/

"They were part of a hiking group that got lost while on a safari or some silly thing," Heero went on, fingering his empty glass but holding eye contact with Trowa. "There was a mother and a little girl, said they got separated from the rest of their family in a rainstorm. No phones, GPS, or food. Honestly I was surprised how those two had managed to find their way here. Those hiking trails are all the way on the other side of the mountain and they said they'd been lost for three days."

Heero stopped and tilted his head sideways as if something had suddenly caught his intention. He smiled slightly, "They were just ordinary citizens, no military training or anything. And the girl was very small, about 6 I'd guess." Trowa raised an eyebrow and Heero quickly got the hint and went on with the more important part of the story.

"You know full well that whoever sees a Gundam or Gundam pilot or should happen to stumble on a safehouse has to be eliminated," Heero's voice was cold and curt. The Wing pilot wasn't smiling anymore. "I didn't think those two would be an exception either."

/He killed a helpless woman and her little child?!?/ Trowa thought, a chill running over him. /They weren't OZ soldiers or even local police!/

/Would I have acted any differently in that situation?/ Trowa asked himself and realized, in almost equal horror what his answer was. /Civilian casualties are just another part of war. But sometimes they're just so unfortunate that afterwards you feel you're that much less of a human being. But wasn't that something we were all trained not to mind? As Gundam pilots, two people no matter how innocent, shouldn't mean a thing to us/

"As you can guess, Quatre stopped me," Heero said, completely cutting off Trowa's train of thoughts. Trowa was surprised that anyone could stop Heero from killing a person after he'd decided to do so. "I had them locked up in the cellar, even had to put a gun to the onna's head make her cooperate." Heero's voice never broke or changed as he spoke.

"I was about to pull the trigger when he came running. The woman's constant damned screaming and the kid's crying had Quatre flying downstairs like a banshee. We fought for a long while but eventually he convinced me to let them go."

/That doesn't explain anything, there must be more to it/

Silence fell over the two. Realizing that the refrigerator door was still open, Trowa got up to close it. First making sure to grab a beer, he closed the door and the room was dark again. His eyes taking a moment to adjust to the pitch black, Trowa walked back to the table and sat down.

"The policemen came just this morning," Heero's words stunned Trowa. "There were three of them."

"Nani? Police came to the house?" Trowa spurted out, his surprise showing.

Heero just turned to him and nodded. "Hai," He said darkly, "Just policemen, not military or anything else. More than a coincidence, although Quatre claims he swore the woman to secrecy before letting her go. One of the officers was babbling about how a woman told him the way here. I made sure to kill him first."

"…" Trowa had nothing to say to that.

"Wouldn't you have also?" Heero's voice was calm but his words slightly slurred from all the vodka he'd had. "They could have been real trouble. And if I could, I'd go and track down that woman and silence her too." There seemed to be an alien lack of confidence, an uncertainty that made the Perfect Soldier waver uncharacteristically

Trowa decided to test Heero's words. "What about the child?" Heero blinked. Trowa had hit the nail on the head. "Would you kill her too? Or just leave her an orphan?"

Heero didn't respond. Trowa took a moment to crack open his beer and take a swig of the cold liquid.

/Ch'… Guess that question's inappropriate. I don't even know what I would do…/

Since he didn't want to think about it anymore, the gangly youth switched the playing field. "Won't more cops come?" Trowa asked, and in a flash of paranoia thought he heard sirens. He hurried to finish his beer, hoped it would settle his nerves.

"Iie. Those three were the only ones that knew the way here. The back roads are impossible to navigate unless you know the way. One of the men told me before he died."

"And that's what got Quatre all pissy," Heero went on. "He begged, pleaded for me to spare those three also! Despite that the whole thing got out of hand in the first place because of his 'sympathy'," Heero spat the word like a vile curse. "So I finally told him what I should have a long time ago."

"I told him that he was weak and naïve. One of the reasons I thought I was in love with him was that he seemed strong in his own special way, something different that I had never seen before. Ch'. I was wrong; he's not strong at all. He's a scared, little boy and the battlefield is no place for scared little boys. I don't understand how he could have become a Gundam pilot in the first place."

/Quatre got as caught up in the fight as anyone else. Fate and chance brought us here for a one reason or another. Trowa thought and shuddered as he blocked out his own past phantoms. /But Quatre isn't that weak. He's proven himself not only as a pilot but as a brilliant strategist. It's a miracle that he's still such a nice and innocent person. There's no need for Heero to put Quatre down just because the war has made his heart so black and made him almost into a machine/

Heero leaned forward and his cold, cobalt eyes fell into Trowa's unblinking depths. Both locked their gaze and seemed to scan the very soul of the other. Trowa thought that beneath the stoic stare he could make out stronger, almost hidden emotion. But exactly what it was eluded him.

"He wasn't everything that I fell in love with," Heero said, his voice lowering to a soft whisper. Cobalt flared and suddenly Trowa recognized the look in those eyes. "But, I think you are."

Quickly leaning forward, Heero's mouth muffled any protest that Trowa might have mustered. Heero's lips mashed into Trowa's and the overwhelming stench of vodka filled the Heavyarms pilot's nostrils. Trowa felt Heero's tongue push open his mouth and roughly invade.

/Iie!/

"Iie," Trowa finally breathed, pulling himself away. Taking a deep breath of night air that was much cooler than Heero's mouth; he looked warily at his fellow pilot.

"Trowa, come on," Heero said softly, inviting him in the sparkle of his cobalt eyes.

Heero darted forward mouth taking Trowa's again, seeking to conquer the slender boy he swiftly wrapped in his arms. The odor of liquor was dank and stagnant. For a moment, Trowa closed his eyes as Heero kissed him. All was dark, no sound except his and Heero's breathing, feeling Heero kissing him. …Heero…He and Heero?... Almost instantly the image of Duo flashed through Trowa's mind.

/Duo/

"Stop, Heero," Trowa said firmly, pulling away again and backing away from the Wing pilot.

"Trowa, onegai," Heero spoke softly, speech slurred by a drunken stupor.

Taking a step forward, Heero reached out, attempting to embrace the young circus star. A soft curse escaped Heero's lips as he crashed into a chair, sending it careening across the floor. Stumbling, but desperately trying to regain his balance and simultaneously find Trowa in the inky dark, Heero tripped over his own feet. He fell in a heap on the floor, almost a whole step away from where Trowa stood.

/I understand it all now/ Trowa thought to himself, taking only a moment to glance back at Heero, turning and leaving the dark kitchen.

-end part 4


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing There Anymore- A GW fanfic

Author: masamune

Warnings: Yaoi, angst, (this part will have a little blood and language)

Disclaimer: Think… how logical is it to believe that someone that goes by the online writing name of masamune could possibly own a show like Gundam Wing? So obviously I don't own it. Don't sue me.

Archive: Open to anyone that wishes to archive this fic or any of my other fics.

Chapter 5

The sun was shining. The flowers were in bloom; the grass was green and lush. The air was pure and refreshing to breathe. All was well, like something out of a dream…

Quatre sat on a porch of one of the Winner family estates. He gazed on the long backyard that stretched for miles as children played in it's vast space, running and chasing each other, living the innocent happy days of childhood. 

/It's amazing how fast they grow. I can't believe I'm an uncle/ Quatre thought to himself, smiling as one young girl stamped her foot and shouted as a larger red haired boy ran off with her bonnet. /But I guess having 29 older sisters guarantees that sort of thing/

"I thought I may find you here," A soft voice came from behind him. 

Quatre turned around and an immediate smile appeared on his face as he laid eyes on Heero. The handsome Japanese boy was leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, his eyes flickering with strong emotion. Quatre kept his eyes fixed on Heero, not gazing off into the darkened kitchen, which was such a terrible contrast in comparison to his lover. The wind seemed to blow a little colder.

"Ohayo Heero!" Quatre cried jubilantly, getting up from his chair. 

/Gods he gave me a scare though/ Quatre thought. Heero walked forward and Quatre reached out his arms, his pink shirt fell back a bit. Just as Heero got to Quatre a sudden gust of wind blew again, except it didn't sound like wind, more like a voice.

Heero wrapped his arms around Quatre and him to his chest. Quatre loved the feeling of Heero's powerful arms around him, holding him this way. He in turn wrapped his arms around Heero's back. He felt himself sigh as Heero nuzzled his ear and softly whispered.

"Ohayo koi," The words fell like sweet rain in summertime. 

"I love you so much Heero," Quatre said, his head falling to rest on Heero's shoulder. He closed his eyes and said, "I wish we could always hold each other like this. I love you so much and I'm so glad you love me. I want to stay in your arms forever."

__

"You're so deluded…"

/Nani? What the hell? / Quatre's eyes fluttered open. He looked into the dark kitchen; cold air escaped from there. /Who's there? / A figure was shrouded in darkness, just past the doorway.

"Who's there? Who are you?" Quatre called out to the figure, a dark premonition overcoming him. It was almost like he was being drawn to the door and the figure. 

"Iie!!! I don't want to go in there!" Quatre yelled, the dark kitchen scared him in an unknown way, but he was moving closer to it every second. "Heero!!" Quatre called frantically.

__

"He's in here too," The voice said. It sounded depressed and miserable, like a sad kitten lost from her mother. _"You'll come here whether you like it or not. It'd be easier if you didn't resist."_

Quatre could almost make out the mysterious enigma, and the voice sounded so familiar. He was very close to the door now.

"I don't want to go!" Quatre yelled, tears coming to his eyes. 

The warm sunshine of the porch was faint, not gone, but distant, teasing, as if mocking Quatre with its warmth from afar. The children's playful shouts and cries were impossible to hear now. Everything, including Quatre was caught up in a stretch of cold, silent black. Quatre opened his eyes…though he couldn't remember closing them…

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/Where am I? / He thought, seeing nothing but pitch black. /What is this place? Am I alive or am I dead? Am I awake or is this a dream? This can't be real, whatever it is/

__

"It may be."

The sudden voice made Quatre spin around. His mouth gaped as he faced a boy, the only sign of life in the endless void, though it was only a hint of life. The boy was skinny, almost shriveled, and wore dressy elegant clothing that seemed sizes too large. The young boy was clean and well groomed, his blonde hair was combed and his clothes, though large, were clean too. 

The horror came from the bruises that seemed to be everywhere. A cut by the nose, a busted lip, a gigantic evil bruise on the neck and marks, scrapes and cuts all along the poor boy's arms. This and the sad, pathetic stare that came from the boy's sky blue eyes pierced Quatre like a stake.

/My Gods! / Quatre thought, never taking his eyes off the boy. /He looks just like me/

__

"I am you," The words slipped out of tightly drawn lips like ghosts. Floating and snaking across the void, they made Quatre shudder as he listened. _"And yes, you are dreaming."_

"T…this is my dream?!?" Quatre sputtered in horror. He looked around at the vast, cold black.

__

"This is what you dream when you don't know what to dream," The other Quatre replied

/Nonsense! Dreams are happy things that give you comfort in the dead of night. I've never had a dream like this before and I want to end it now! I want to go back to my other dream! Where I'm with Heero and everything's good and right again… that's what I want/

__

"You can wake up now. You can dream more, but pick carefully what you choose to dream. Dreams only last while you sleep, there's much more in the real world, but there you can't choose."

"Nani? You can hear my thoughts?" Quatre said, almost embarrassed that all of his secrets and feelings were accessible by this other him, this alien. Shaking his head Quatre yelled, "You're not like me!"

__

"I am you. Except you're denying the facts, you choose to dream instead," The other said, his unblinking crystal blue eyes flashing suddenly. _"Chase your dreams, don't embrace them, they aren't real. Once a dream becomes reality it isn't a dream anymore. Dream at night, hide in your mind, seek refuge in your happy imagination, it will do nothing to change reality."_

"I hate reality!" Quatre cried out, biting back his tears. "I hate the real world with all its evils and dark sadness. The real world took away father, the real world fights wars, in the real world Heero doesn't love me!!!"

Quatre shook with sobs. He felt sick, he felt smothered, it was cold all around. This was much like reality. He fell to his knees and began to shake it was so cold. Quatre yearned for someone's comforting touch, a kind word or gesture or anything.

__

"Do you want to see what a realistic dream is like?" The ghostly image of Quatre inquired softly. _"You can wake up in reality and wallow in the sadness it brings, or you can do your best to find the good things in life, the good things in others…"_

"What good will it do to see any of this?" Quatre said, rising slowly. 

__

"You may not become like me," The second Quatre responded, and pointed to yet another door with his bruised arms. _"If you try to live your dream it will be that way."_ The image of himself flickered, and was gone, like it had never been.

Quatre stayed still for a very long time. He was almost getting used to the cold chill. 

/Should I wake up? / He asked himself. /Or should I see what's behind that door? /

Almost by his free will the door swung open, creaking loudly at its hinges. Soft noises floated from the open entrance. Shaking his head with firm confidence Quatre stood up and strode to the door. He stopped short and tried to make out what was on the other side, but it was useless. He took a deep breath and entered.

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It was cold. Not the biting, stinging wintry cold, but a dull, numb frost. It was as if there had never been summer, never been spring, never been fall, only the icy winter. Quatre didn't even shiver. He looked around; he seemed to be in his kitchen, back at the Winner estate on L4. The huge, beautiful room was steeped in darkness, the only light coming from a hallway.

There was a figure, kneeling down on the floor, scrubbing away at something or other. Quatre approached silently, not wanting to make a noise. The person was crying and as Quatre got closer he could tell it was another image of himself. Blond hair, his pink shirt, his slacks, everything was the same as the clothes he had worn yesterday. The other Quatre looked up to wipe his brow and Quatre gasped.

/My Gods! He's been beaten up! / Quatre saw in horror. A black eye, cuts on the side of his gamin face, and tear stained eyes, all signs of terrible abuse. /Who could have done this? / Quatre asked himself, for the phantom reflection didn't seem to notice him.

The broken Quatre's head suddenly snapped up, as if sensing danger. A look of dark dread crossed his face and terror shined in his bright blue eyes. But quickly he went back to work, scrubbing the floor vigorously. It was blood he was cleaning off the floor.

Something obstructed the light, and Quatre felt a familiar presence in the room, familiar but distinctively different. Heero stood in the doorway, his arms folded over his chest, looking on as if all was well and normal.

"I thought I may find you here," He said, and stepped into the kitchen, flicking on one of the lights.

"Ohayo Heero," The other Quatre said, standing but not making eye contact with Heero. "I… I was just cleaning down here. I'm sorry if I woke you." 

"Cleaning with the lights off so Rashid doesn't see you?" Heero asked coldly. "Don't want anyone to see you on your hands and knees cleaning your own filth? You're just still too fucking proud for that aren't you?" Heero's voice turned into a low, angry snarl. "So damn proud aren't you, you slutty faggot?"

SLAP!

Heero's hand struck like lightning, almost completely knocking the smaller blond boy to the ground. Quatre wanted to rush forward and help, but he found himself paralyzed. He tried to shut his eyes but couldn't. Heero walked over to where the other Quatre lay, beginning to cry and picked him up by his shirt collar. Lifting the poor boy to eye level Heero's brought his left hand back to strike again. The abused Quatre didn't even cringe or struggle.

CRACK!

The sickening sound of bone cracking bone made the real Quatre cringe. He tried to avert his eyes from the disgusting sight but still saw every detail as blood started to drip from the poor blonde's nose. Heero sneered and struck again.

CRACK!

Again, almost in the same spot Heero pelted the poor boy. Then releasing his collar and letting him sink to the floor he looked back at the broken Quatre and laughed. The true Quatre had never heard anything so vile or terrible in his life. It sickened him to the core and his mind raced like wildfire.

/This is the man I love? / He asked himself, staring wide eyed at Heero. /He's so mean, so cold hearted, he's more of a monster than a human being… can this be the Heero I know? The Heero I shared beds with and told all my dearest secrets and hopes and fears? Will this happen to me if I stay with him? /

"There's some more blood for you to wipe up," Heero said, his voice calm and even. "I'll bet you don't feel so high and mighty now you worthless shit. You'd better stop putting on airs like this or you know what'll happen. Not only will I tell the whole goddamned Earth Sphere that you're a good for nothing fairy, but I'll beat you so senseless that you'll be lucky if you understand the curses they'll all shout at you."

The other Quatre stated to cry. Long, choking sobs escaped his parched throat and he shook like an animal out in the cold. He held his sleeve to his nose, trying to stop the blood that flowed freely all over his pink shirt and the white kitchen floor. 

"Gomen nasai Heero," He whispered, barely pushing the words out between sobs. "I'll clean it up. I... I... gomen nasai Heero, onegai…onegai…" His voice fell away to sobs as he bowed his head, no longer able to look at Heero, who loomed over him.

"You know I don't like to hurt you, I only do it because it's good for you," Heero said, the lie escaping his lips as easily as leaves on a fall wind. "You wouldn't want me to leave you would you? Now don't cry, just clean up and get upstairs." He walked to the kitchen door and turned around, "Goodnight Quatre koi."

/This… this can't be! This is so wrong! It's terrible. Heero? Could Heero ever really be like this? /

The only answer was the sobs and cries of the other image of Quatre, huddling on the floor.

And then his alarm rang loudly, snapping him awake to reality.

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The morning dawn had nothing special in it. Duo had woken prior to his alarm. No matter how much Duo could sleep at times, he liked the mornings. Just the way the sun rose over the horizon and cast its warmth and light over everything. But today was just like any normal one; cloud cover half marred the dawn. It was also bitterly cold…

Duo walked down the stairs to the living room. Even though the morning was nothing special it wouldn't stop him from watching from his favorite spot on the couch. He stretched and yawned a little. He was only wearing his black silk boxers with chibi Deathscythes, but figured it wasn't important because he was usually the only one up at this time in the morning.

He reached the couch and threw himself over the side, expecting to flop onto the nice, soft cushions. But instead he was greeted with a grunt as he landed on Trowa. The tall green-eyed boy just stared at Duo, who he was the last thing he'd expect to fall in his lap wearing only boxers. 

"Ohayo Trowa!" Duo said cheerily, finding his position slightly embarrassing but also rather funny. "You took my spot man, didn't expect you to be up this early."

"I couldn't sleep," Trowa answered, "I didn't mean to steal the couch for you. Here, I'll get up, you can have it." And he made a move to get up but Duo shook his head and placed a hand on Trowa's chest.

"Don't worry about it," Duo said, his violet eyes flickering with a deeper feeling. "I'm actually pretty comfortable," As he spoke he rested his head on Trowa's shoulder, his long hair falling all over the two of them. "And you make a nice pillow." 

Duo looked up and stared into Trowa's eyes, no longer beautiful emerald pools of indifference but filled with passion. Duo could even feel Trowa's heartbeat on his naked chest. It was beating fast.

"Du…Duo, I," Trowa sputtered, the right words escaping him. He wanted this too, but, it was so unexpected and sudden, it was almost too good to be true. "I…"

"Shhh," Duo whispered, putting his mouth to Trowa's ear and blowing in it, loving the response as Trowa literally squirmed underneath him. "You don't have a problem with me laying you do you?"

"You mean laying on me?" Trowa said, so innocently that Duo laughed out loud.

"You know exactly what I mean," Duo whispered, moving so that his face was less than inches from Trowa's. Their bodies so close that the chilly morning was long forgotten. "Don't hide your feelings. I know how you feel about me, and I feel exactly the same about you."

Trowa was touched; nobody had ever confessed his or her love for him that way. It had so much feeling and raw emotion behind it that again; Trowa was at a loss for words.

"Duo… I … I... I…" He sputtered, hopeless. Duo's hot breath on his face had a tremendous effect on him.

"Shut up, just follow what you want," Duo whispered. "Cause I know what I want."

Duo pressed his mouth against Trowa's and quickly ended any possible sentence that Trowa could have formed. The two let their mouths speak for them, Duo's mouth hungrily capturing Trowa's, searching, and probing eagerly. Trowa couldn't stop himself from instinctively opening up his lips and soon it was a full, open mouth kissing fest that would have given anyone a prodigious nosebleed. 

After what seemed an eternity of wonder and joy the two broke their kiss. Duo's eyes scanned Trowa's, all of his emotions and desires open and returned in the eyes of the other. A smile broke out across Duo's face suddenly.

"So what you wanted," He whispered, moving to kiss Trowa again, "Was to kiss me?"

Their mouths met again, but in a shorter, more intimate connection. This time Trowa smiled.

"And you didn't want to kiss me?" He replied simply.

-end part 5

Note: 2X3!!!!! I wasn't sure if I'd make Duo the seme or not but it just seems so RIGHT with Trowa! And I'm really, really terribly sorry to all the 1x4 fans out there; this must be hell for you… But if everyone will just stay calm, I'll make sure that in the end it turns out OK for him. Oh yeah! FEEDBACK, C&C, whatever you want to call it, I seek it desperately! If you've got the time please just give me a yell at [MasamuneEHS@hotmail.com][1] Arigato minna-san!

masamune

   [1]: mailto:MasamuneEHS@hotmail.com



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